so many things are going through my head right now, i dont even know what i want to say! but to make up for the weird and TERRIBLY short post before, i shall blog more! hahahah. ok this may not actually be even smth yo uwant. but whatever. glady says she smtms dont understand what im saying. or maybe most of the time.. hahaha! but NVM! : P

schools been really scary, and ive suddenly been able to just ACCEPT things.. its like sometimes i think the things i say and the things i do dont really have any positive effects.. its either negative or totally useless. and when its negative, its just usually a backlash on myself.. so what's the point in really saying everything in my mind eh? yes i have ALOT to say.. cos i always find myself thinking differently from others.. (most of the time anyway) but i dont really have to say everything. all i have to do is to know what im doing and why im doing so, and say whats needed, when its needed or asked for. besides, they all say that the empty vessel makes the most noise. so im essentially doing myself and others a favour by speaking only when really spoken to ya?

ANYWAY, HIGHLIGHT! ocip is OVERRR. i feel so sad. my term in ocip is OVER. yes i wasnt in exco, i wasnt really a big shot or anything. but it really was an experience of a lifetime. i wont say ive become a really better person after the entire trip, but it had an impact on me. definitely. though i cant exactly point them out, i just know that the entire experience was heartfelt.

camp was interesting. we didnt start off on the really right foot, but i think we stepped it up after the debrief at night. i was feeling quite sad after the debrief. but at the end of it all, im just really glad that we managed to change our tones and right our wrongs the following day. somehow, i feel like ive done something! as much as you want to believe, it really does make me happy to see the j1s now ard in school. no not when i point them out and say "oh shes from ocip, hes from my grp" that sorta thing.. more like when they acknowledge me, and say hi to me. dont know how many of you would believe me. but yea.

big sigh. its over.

my left eye is twitching. what does that mean?

i think im schizophrenic. ok no, i dont REALLY think im schizophrenic. but you get the idea la. im sorry i lash out at pple just like that and treat others VERY WELL smtms... but alot of times, somehow it just comes out in frustration. or smtms its just, i dont knowwwwwwww. i dont know whyyyyyyyy. im terribly sorry, pple who have suffered my er wrath. i dont actually think its a wrath but, some of you may think so. haha im so used to pple thinking im fierce and angry that smtms now i'll just even clarify myself and go "im not angry ya.. im just saying.. blah blah blah" BUT YES. im glad theres pple who sorta understand me. most pple who think im fierce or angry, just dont really know how to handle me i guessing. by thinking so, a tiny void may already have formed between us? one i cannot just fill in myself..

i feel as if im blaming everyone else and not myself by saying all this.. but the truth is, if you dont already know, it gets to me. it really does. outwardly, i prolly just seem like a totally heartless and cold creature.. but! theres always a but somewhere, so yea. fill it in? haha.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SOL!->>SCREAMS OUT LOUD! someone send me back to the maldives. i wanna scream. scream out to the open sea!